$50 Mill awaits me in Nigerian Bank; I’d rather have cash

<strong>Send cash with sexy CSI DNA Tech, Wendy</strong>

Send cash with sexy CSI DNA Tech, Wendy


may be some profanity or adult themes…we’ll just have to see where this automatic writing takes us; this from a guy who was going to write about a rude garbage collector; thanks to actress Liz Vassey, at right, for her support.

Lambata Kalunga emailed me this morning to say I had $50 million sitting in a bank in Nigeria that needed to be collected and how some poor fictitious family on the east coast of the Americas all died in a car accident in 2004, leaving all this money behind for me.

I was touched, really. People I never knew leaving money I will never possess from a Nigerian Bank that never existed.

I couldn’t help but think about all those blood diamond merchants sliced and diced by Wade Wilson in the first fifteen minutes of X-Men Origins: Wolverine not for the money promised by Lambata but so Coloner Stryker could get his murderous hands on a chunk of rock from a meteor that he could synthesize into the effectively indestructible fictional metal adamantium.

Since it took half a billion dollars for the experimental surgery to adhere the adamantium to Wolverine’s skeletal system I think I would rather have stock in Ada, which ended trading today on the NASDAQ at 1,265.00 a share. That is down a bit from yesterday’s trading but still a nice rise from the $00.35 a share on April 30th. Fictional movies stocks are like that.

I could use some money; however, not being greedy I would feel confident with $950,124.32, which would keep me below millionaire status but allow me to move to Australia, where the film was photographed, or perhaps nearby New Zealand. Canada or Maine would be nice for my summer cottage and cabin, respectively.

Why, I always wonder, do foreign scam artists try and feed on improbable greed of Americans?

After all, no one, real or imagined is going to leave $50 mill unsecured in Nigeria. What the photon every happend to the wonderful Swiss Bank Accounts or hidden gold? Even Auric Goldfinger was clever enough to have a Rolls Royce constructed of gold so he could not only kill and crush his enemy but still have a nice heavy gold bar at the end of the day.

If these scammers really want to make their shady deals work they would send a nice brick of cash first to sweeten the pot. I suspect that if the average person received a $10,000 brick from Lambchops, I mean Lambata, through Federal Express, then they might go for what’s behind the curtain or door number three, don’t you think? That was the appeal of Monty Hall’s wonderfully perverse 1960s version of Let’s Make a Deal.

Where else could you see beer-bellied grown men dressed in tights and rag doll make up or sad-faced housewives donning cardboard and zombie makeup and allowing themselves to be prostituted before a national televised audience to win anything from a Chevy Impala or lounge suite to a Camel, 100,000 clothes pins or the stale cookies Jay had in the box.

No one ever made it on the show made up as a giant dildo, which is unfortunate; the winning Halloween costume in 1974 at The Shelter, a bar in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, won a case of beer and the adulation of a roomful of drunk and stoned patrons. My poor Alice Cooper-style bloodiness only won me days of faded crimson that wouldn’t wash off and the laughs of my fellow Southern Miss classmates.

The point was – and still is – people often fall for pyramids schemes, mail order (now internet) ruses, door to door check cashing in life savings for more promised money, a la The Flim-Flam Man, but unless you get a little incentive what’s the payoff? Since there actually are no payoffs at least give the poor schmucks a little credit and a few bucks to ease the bigger sting.

BeHinD the ExiStenTiaL DooRz:

Behind door number one is the promise of an uncorrupt government where health care is affordable to all, education is available to all and industries and corporations cannot just close up and reorganize to layoff hundreds of thousands of employees while taking their retirement benefits so CEOs can continue their lavish and decadent lifestyles.

door number two promises that everyone, regardless of race, creed, religion, gender, age, height, weight, educational background, sexual preference, marital status, facial complextion and/or handwriting should and will be allowed to have the same opportunities as the rich, famous, infamous or talented/talentless like Donald Trump, Nancy Pelosi, former President Bush, current Present Obama, Sean Penn, Karl Rove or Madonna to succeed in this life without fear of being destroyed by local, state or federal governments, state universities, the banking/credit card institutions, employers or Wall Street.

or take

door number three which promises a check from Lambata Kalunga.

Your choice is……..