Rosenbush Cafe

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Football related stuff gives me the willies because no respecting Ex-Nil cares about sporting events so expect some real information hybridized with the usual adult humor but for a change not much profanity. Saving that for the next post…

When Florida Gator fan and Daytona Beach resident Millie Ray Lizzard awoke after 17 years in a coma she was informed by her doctor, an Alabama graduate, that the Crimson Tide won their first national championship since 1992, she promptly asked to be returned to unconsciousness.

For those of you who have been in a coma or didn’t give a shit, the Tide did indeed win their first since oh, whenever. Told you I didn’t give a fuck.

The Tide used a 13-point 4th quarter to turn a 24-21 lead into a 37-21 win over the 2nd ranked Texas Longhorns in a game played at the Rose Bowl on January 7th to finish 14-0, 8-0 in the SEC. After taking out the top-ranked Florida Gators (13-1, 8-0) in the SEC Championship, 32-13, Alabama went into the BSC Game ranked #1.

Ms. Lizzard, who was doing well after awakening, oddly enough, while her doctor was wearing a National Championship pin, was heard to say, “Where am I?” Her doctor, Randall Christian Boondecker, III, said “You are in Tuscaloosa, Alabama!,” to which she replied: “I want to die.”

A few facts that supported her wish for a return to a coma, included:

Rolando McClain won the 2009 Dick Butkus Award while Mark Ingram, the 2009 Heisman Memorial Trophy Winner, rushed for 116 yards and 2 TDs (2 yards in the first and 1 yard in the 4th) while freshman running back Trent Richardson (109 yards) split the defense and ran 49 yards untouched for a TD as the Crimson Tide turned a 6-point first quarter (field goals of 18 and 42 yards by Hunter Lawrence) into a 14-6 Alabama lead and later added a defensive TD on a bizarre play seconds before halftime when back-up quarterback Garrett Gilbert, who came in after Colt McCoy was injured on the fifth offensive play of the game for the Longhorns, on a hit from Marcell Dareus, tossed a shuffle pass that was bobbled and intercepted by Dareus who returned it 28 yards to cap a 24-point second quarter and a 24-6 haltime score.

Gilbert, who finished still as Gilbert went 15/40 186 2 4 (McCoy was 2/2 9 yds), settled down in the second half and threw two touchdown passes to Jordan Shipley and brought the #2 Texas (13-1) back to a closer game with 6:15 remaining before the Tide defense forced a fumble near the Longhorn’s goal line with their first sack of the game and a 32-21 lead when Ingram scored his second TD. Richardson scored a final TD on a 2 yard run with :47 remaining for the final scoring just to piss of Longhorn fans and cock-up the betting lines. Good.

As in any medical situation, the doctor had to prescribe powerful sedatives because Ms. Lizzard began screaming “No! It can’t be.” When the patient, who was involved in an automobile accident when, while under the influence of much alcohol, plowed her 1989 Bronco into a bank of trees off I-95 in South Carolina after visiting her in-laws, who were Gamecock fans, was transported to Florida all experts said she would never regain consciousness. Since her coma began, she outlived her husband, both children and two grand children, all fans of SEC teams, none worth mentioning.

FYI, doctors refused to put her back into a coma but she flatlined when she saw the medical bill and learned of the state of affairs of the health care industry.

As for the game itself, it was watched in frigid temperatures since my central heating system went to hell as it froze over on New Year’s Eve and while it may have been exciting to other fans with heating or sitting in bars I watched it mostly silent, with six cats, all keeping me warm throughout the contest. Nick Saban, high-priced nice guy coach, was so happy he accepted more money and most predictions put Alabama as the number one team this fall, with a key match-up here in T-town with Penn State in September…yada, yada, yada.

Am I happy?

Well, being a Southern Miss grad what the photon does it matter? The Golden Eagles got plucked in their bowl game and Alabama finally acquired the Bryce Hospital grounds they have sought since the dark ages so I guess the higher up muckity mucks are happy.

Guess I did answer that question.

Want to know all the usual sports-related bullshit? The complete stats, video and story go to ESPN: Tide Wins National Championship

Thanks to David S. for the following minutia that only die-hard Bama fans would want to know:

Alabama’s accomplishment this 2009 season:

(1) Defeated teams ranked (in the season’s final AP ranking) #2, #3, #10, #17, and #20
(2) Also defeated S.C. (ranked 22nd at that time) and Auburn, who won its bowl game
(3) Went 10-0 against bowl-bound teams, including winners of Cotton and Sugar bowls
(4) Defeated 4 teams (LSU, FLA, SC, TEX) coached by 4 head coaches who themselves won national championships
(5) Defeated 2 teams (AUB, MSU) coached by men who as asst coaches won national championships
(6) Only 4 teams in a century have ever gone 14-0 in a season
(7) Beat the then #1 ranked team (Fla) in a game, came back the next game to beat the #2 ranked team. That #1 ranked team, after losing to Alabama, then came back and destroyed the #3 ranked team (Cincinnati) in the Sugar bowl.
(8) Alabama had 6 first team All-Americans, the first and only team in history to do so.
(9) Alabama had the Heisman winner on offense and the Butkus winner on defense.
(10) Three of Alabama’s SEC opponents TN, MSU, AUB) had bye weeks before playing Bama (who did not have its own bye week then), two of those leading to the two closest-scoring games.
(11) Bama played its first 8 games without a bye week, and played Nation’s #1 team (FLA) in SEC championship without a bye week.
(12) 11 of the 14 teams Bama played had winning seasons, winning 68% of their total games

Naturally, the veggie Gator fan riff is a ruse and my idea of an early Fools of April gig.