Rosenbush Café

eXisTenTiaLNihLisT

Dollops of anti-holiday and anarchist humour and adult themes, graphic profanity and NO visions of lollipops dancing in the gray matter.

Will NORAD track Santa Claus again?

A few years ago, I took on the arduous task of writing about the government tracking Santa Claus. Ingeniously worthless ordeal for a Jew-Man; whew, finally old enough to not be called J-Boy, who doesn’t truly celebrate Hanukkah, although I’m good at wishing all the best to all the worst. Turn the other cheek and break wind in the face of bigotry and faux beliefs.

NORAD Teams with Google Earth on Santa Surveillance was quickly forgotten. At this time, few read the Café and perhaps after this twisted diatribe; fewer. Seriously, I give less than a fissure fuck if anyone visits the restaurant anymore. With few moments of peace, clarity or inspiration, the last two years of posts have been below my personal standards of existentialism, nihilism or anarchism.

Writers are rarely finished with one project before moving forward and even the unknown scribes, like Mr. Henry (yes, my tenants call me that, for fuck’s sake), recycles. I found myself reading my earlier riffs and found it amusing but decidedly missing elements of ExNil and my profound disdain for this time of the year.

I toyed with NORAD shooting down the sleigh and repelling an attack by pixies and the Canadian Air Force but only got as far as a graph about dismembered pixies and how they were notoriously bad pilots!

WTF?

I was writing like a two-for-one sale at TJMaxx and felt like that line in the Steely Dan Song: “Are you crazy are you high or just an ordinary guy?” True, I am a highly crazy guy so while delving into the Day JS Bach awoke from a futurist hypnagogic nightmare, as he was hearing the first notes of Air on the G-String, about how much of his music was too quiet and serene and not sound as great on a car CD player with the moon roof open in 2012, I surmised he went back to bed and never wrote classical music again.

Imagine Beethoven learning he was not deaf but suffered from ear wax deposits. The first day he could hear outside his mind altered his perception and was destined to tune pianos.

All wrap-around imagery in the head of an exhausted being, who had taken on so many projects, mostly business and home renovations, that no time for creative energies remained, except in the hypnagogique. The dreams have been my only solace, even if most are dark and dangerous; graphically depicted and swirling membranes of madness, I am content! I function better in darkness anyway, at least artistically, which brings me back to the following revamped Christmas.

I am not against Christmas or Santa or Christ or fruitcakes, except those misfits outside a nearby abortion clinic who continued the ageless Holiday Spirit of fucking with complete stranger’s life decisions. Coal in a stocking? An avalanche would not be more appropriate but our nearest coal mine is thirty miles away so fuck, me.

I am against promises made with no intention of keeping, religious control and persecution (I grew up in 1950s WestAla where being a Jew was an instant all expenses paid trip to Hell, which, fortunately, is not a Jewish belief and a waste of reservations) and commercialization of a man’s life, who would be pissed beyond rainbows at the damage done under the pretense, “Jesus would have…”

I will admit to enjoying the concept of what any long dead person would say or think. Wish I knew what Marilyn Monroe thought before she was silenced or if Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. knew he was about to die and accepted his fate. No one knows and as for Jesus; I believe, genuinely, he would be appalled at the whole month of December.

So, dear reader, while many of you are planning for the end of the world on the 21st I have already skedded my day for the 22nd and if somehow a gamma ray burst wipes out all life on earth and proves me wrong, well, at least I had fun.

The National American Aerospace Defense Command has again joined forces with Google Earth and its secret program, Project Icebox, (not so fucking secretive now, eh?) working in conjunction with the GeoEye-1 Satellite, has been searching for the Santa infrastructure, Claus-Corp, LLC. It is believed Santa owns nearly all of the North Pole except for Superman’s Fortress of Solitude and some nature preserves for penguins and polar bears. Although many governments have traveled to the extreme north no evidence of Santa’s property has ever been located. All who have tried have failed to return and like another rip-off on “found footage movies” the only visual evidence is of a camp fire sing-along, by Navy Seals, interrupted by Rudolph, the Red Nose Reindeer, galloping into frame whinnying “I’m here to capsize your row boat” before a proboscis disintegrator beam ends the merriment.

NORAD tracking Santa may sound cute to 4 year olds the cynical adult knows better. Santa has an array of devices involved with his trade and our government and wants the technology. The clever Clause has invested in every major, and peripheral, electronic surveillance companies and has hefty stock shares of Microsoft, Coca Cola, the NFL and Mercedes Benz. Widespread rumors persist that the North Pole is hugely populated beyond the wildlife, gnomes, elves, pixies and assorted dwarves; using the Hubble Space Telescope – costing Seven Billion dollars to redirect from the death of a solar system in Alpha Proxima – located, via infrared, two hundred foot domes capable of supporting comfortable environs. Unfortunately, all photographs were Photo shopped by an unnamed elfin hacker to depict Reindeer fucking, drinking, smoking grass and pissing their names in the snow.

In 2009, Google Earth (coined as Goo-Eye by another hacker elf) has been attempting to map Santa’s domain and last month the first pictures from the GeoEye-1 satellite sent back the most expensive high definition out of focus photography since Hubble Telescope went into orbit. According to a spokesperson for GeoEye-1, “We believe there is some kind of shield or protective barrier that refracts the imagery and blurs it. It was an utter failure from our $500 million satellite and frankly, a Polaroid snap shot would have been more finely detailed.”

The spokesman was later transferred to the North Pole as a spotter and was last spotted devoured partially by rowdy penguins. GE later retracted the story and sent a PDF file on the History of Coal Mining to it’s employees, stockholders and random eight year Catholic Girls in a school in the Bronx.

NORAD has, for the last 20 years, been tracking Santa’s movements on Christmas Eve with only limited success. Col. Seth Etera confirmed recently that everything from F-16s to Stealths has been deployed in the air and ground radar has been ineffective. “He must have an anti-stealth device that masks his actual position and can redirect it thousands of miles away. If we think he is over Nebraska he may well be in Providence, Rhode Island.”

President Barrack Obama urged calm and noted that only he could order a strike against unauthorized use of airspace. “We’re not certain what kind of countermeasures Santa uses but even tracers cannot locate his craft.”

The president went on to urge Santa to not cause Homeland Security problems like last year when his sleigh veered across Air Force One’s flight path. In recent years, Santa has gotten dangerously close to the Pentagon..again. “It is strict government policy that Christmas and Chanukah are never celebrated in the Pentagon so there is no reason for Santa to fly near the building.”

President Obama reiterated his statement at the beginning of his first Christmas as Leader: “We live in the greatest nation on earth where people have the right to accept or deny the existence of Santa. Belief is an important cornerstone to our country and I defend Santa’s right to bring joy to as many people as he can. I do, however, hope that he will respect the boundaries of our military installations and airports.”

Speaking on FOXNews, commentator and well know Christmas defender, Bill O’Reilly spun, “It’s a dangerous precedent when world leaders expound doubt of the existence of Santa. Children are scared enough without losing another precious time in their childhood. They black bagged the Easter Bunny and only the CIA knows the whereabouts of the remains of Humpy Dumpy…”

GIFT IDEA COMMERCIAL BREAK: bullshit repellant available at Target and The Home Depot. The Perfect Stocking Stuffer for the Bullshit Sufferer.

Scientists from around the world have joined also in studying the temporal warp effect Santa uses to leap through time zones worldwide. Dr. Ernst Brykowich, a physics professor at MIT believes Santa has the world’s only fully functional time machine.

The BBC America issued an immediate statement to Dr. Brykowich before he was able to address the assembled deep thinkers: “Oi, ever hear of Doctor Who? TARDIS bells trilling yet? Time and Relative Dimension in Space proves that Santa shares similar multidimensional paradoxes as the Doctor but for different purposes. How do you think we issued a statement before his was heard? Hmmm, Geronimo!”

Undeterred, here is what he intended to say:

“Many of us have long believed the sleigh to be an inter-dimensional conduit rather than an actual sled and the reindeer are most likely cybernetic. Santa has perfected a conveyance capable of traveling at the speed or light and able to out maneuver the entire world’s air forces. By traveling into an interspatial sector he is able to use worm holes connected to his factory and send gifts through the portal.”

All Dr. Brykowych could say was, “I’m a Whovian!”

Dr. Gregor Woloschuk, exiled Ukrainian mathematician living in Toronto, hypothesized that the power needed to generate the sophisticated mechanisms at use would dwarf all the power supplies of the major continents. “He bends light, travels at supersonic speeds and can appear and disappear in milliseconds. We have scientists experimenting across the globe and no one has come close to unlocking this technology.”

It looks like another end of the world scare for the jolly rotund fellow in the red and white outfit; Y2K boosted paranoia and Santa had to dispose of three hundred million copies of the computer game, “What We did Before Electricity;” and the year the Berlin Wall fell Santa had the shingles and no one in Germany received anything.

S rarely makes deliveries in the Middle East, most of Latin American (in 1999 he was mistaken for the DEA and fired upon by marijuana growers with machine guns in Columbia) and he has learned Kim Jong-Il has no holiday spirit after he was shot at over Seoul, North Korea. The missile was disabled and redirected, accidentally, towards South Korea where it crashed harmlessly on an opposition leader’s house.

Although there were no official responses from the CIA, unofficially it appears the surveillance will continue. The FISA bill, nicely infringing on the personal liberties, utilizing all manner of earthbound spying devices have little effect on charting where and when Santa is likely to appear.

An operative for the agency, on the condition of remaining anonymous, said “Santa has all the right toys. He is a smooth customer. We have agents everywhere but just when you think you have him cornered he just smiles, says ‘ho, ho, ho’ before disappearing. I’ll give him credit; he has circumvented every satellite, thermal detectors, radar, infra-red and good old fashion legwork.”

Mythology or Reality? One thing is certain; Christmas has a far deeper meaning than a jovial philanthropist dispensing toys to some but not to others regardless of good or bad.

Maybe, next year Santa will fund director Quentin Tarantino’s exploration of Christmas in “Jesus Fiction.”

Free eggnog, spiked with Old Forrester and truth, from Rosenbush Café.